Here there be Vampires

There have been over the years been number of attempts to explain why people become atheists. Some think it may be because they had a bad childhood experiences with the church, other have suggested links to certain personality disorders like Aspergers. Perhaps it is a genetic defect. Like the Grinch, many causes have been suggested for their inherent antipathy to all people religious, but few answers explain what would cause an individual to become a brooding, anti-social misanthrope who sees the vast majority of humanity as dumb, dangerous and deluded sheep. Of course, up until now no one has considered that they might be vampires.

Evidence of such a link comes in the form of the most recent lawsuit by the American Atheists organization to remove the World Trade Center Cross at the 9/11 memorial site. The text of the motion describes the effects the site of the cross has on those who view it:

The plaintiffs, and each of them, have suffered, are suffering, and will continue to suffer damages, both physical and emotional, from the existence of the challenged cross. Named plaintiffs have suffered, inter alia, dyspepsia, symptoms of depression, headaches, anxiety, and mental pain and anguish from the knowledge that they are made to feel officially excluded from the ranks of citizens who were directly injured by the 9/11 attack and the lack of acknowledgement of the more than 1,000 non- Christian individuals who were killed at the World Trade Center.  

Now I have never seen the Twilight series, but I read ‘Salem’s Lot as a teen and as a child I spent many a late night watching Bela Lugosi mesmerize his victim’s via the weekly Acri Creature Feature, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert here.- and in my expert opinion only one creature reacts so viscerally to the site of a Cross;  vampires.

While this description is damning evidence (NPI) for the link between vampirism and atheism, it is not the only one. It explains why atheists often associate themselves with symbols of evil, why they stalk lonely women late at night, and why Sam Harris always wears black. The evidence here seems incontrovertible.

Of course, I’m not one to go in for such superstitions – there is likely to be a simpler, more logical reason why atheists suffer physical ills when they encounter a cross.

Of course if the American Atheists bring lawsuits to remove garlic from restaurants and mirrors from public places, I may have to reconsider.


8 Responses to Here there be Vampires

  1. Nate says:

    I have to chuckle a bit at this one.

  2. Tristan Vick says:


    I just re-read Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” a few weeks back, and the thing that I found interesting was that Dracula, himself, did not react at all to the Christian cross.

    It was mirrors which bothered him.

    I don’t actually know when the “Vampires being afraid of Christian symbols” came to be, but in the HBO television series “True Blood,” based off of the “Sookie Stackhouse” novels by Charlaine Harris, there are actually Vampires that hold Holy orders in the Church. Which would be more accurate with the original Vampire lore as I understand it.

    Just thought I’d point that out, because what it means is, your analogy is not only inaccurate, but hyperbolic and perhaps a bit sensationalist (FYI).

  3. jackhudson says:

    Just thought I’d point that out, because what it means is, your analogy is not only inaccurate, but hyperbolic and perhaps a bit sensationalist (FYI).

    It wasn’t actually an anology, it was a satire.

    But given their fictional, ever changing nature (which usually reflects the Zeitgiest rather than any definitive set of inherent qualities) it would be rather difficult to construct a consistent analogy in this regard.

    Perhaps atheists are just old fashioned Vampires instead of the cool, brooding, modern ones?

  4. Tristan Vick says:

    If that’s the analogy… then maybe Classical atheism is to Dracula as New Atheism is to Twilight.

    Somehow I think the meaning gets lost in translation.

    And you’re right about Vampire mythology changing so much it’s hard to maintain such an analogy. Which is why I personally wouldn’t have used it (at least in this way). But I commend you on trying to be creative with your blogging, none-the-less.

    I’m now off to smash some mirrors.

  5. jackhudson says:

    If you can think of another creature that feels physical pain at the sight of the cross, I am willing to re-think my satire (though to be fair, the death of humor is over-thinking it).

    As far as New Atheists being like Twilight Vampires, do you really want them to be viewed as brooding, adolescent, drama queens?

  6. Nate says:

    The old style vampires… Like Count Orlok in Nosferatu?

  7. As said… I think things get lost in translation.

    And there are many creatures, mythological, which are fearful of the cross. Morlocks and witches for example. But again, it highly depends on which incarnation of the myhths you read.

    However, other occult practices such as Voodoo often incorporate the cross into their practice… so it is sort of a mixed bag.

  8. […] have previously mocked the American Atheist’s position on the 9/11 Cross here, but Jon Stewart does a much better job of […]

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